My First 13 Years

First experience of everything is always special. We glow when we speak about that first birthday, first anniversary, first car, first job, first salary. On the other hand, memories which instills fear can have an impact too. First fight with your partner, first argument with your parents, first time getting scolded by your favorite teacher, first lie to cover up a mistake. Everything defines your life and has a place in your personality. All the firsts I spoke about are moments in life then what does first 13 years mean? How can 13 long years be the first? Does that have anything to do with me or my relationship? Why is it so important and why do we get this first 13 unfiltered years with our kids?

We all speak about teenagers and how difficult they are. But have we given a thought about what we as parents do before they turn into adolescents? The perception of difficult years could be a foundation laid by the easy adults who were gifted the beautiful “First 13 years”.

Children are bound to learn more from what they see rather than what they are told to do. Initial years are when they are surrounded by adults who display a show based on their own emotional identity. I am calm when my life is beautiful, I am impatient when I am racing against a deadline, I am angry when I am stressed; my behavior is dictated by my emotions and not by my kids’ action. There are unlimited complaints parents share about their kids starting from being a toddler which eventually increases with a bottom line being: “they don’t listen to us”.

When my daughter was 2yrs, she never wore the dress I chose for her. I used to keep everything ready, and she comes, sees that and goes to her cupboard and picks completely different than I could imagine. Then I keep my choice back in the cupboard and she wore her happy dress. There is no conflict here because it was her way of telling me, I am uncomfortable with what you chose for me. On the other hand even in my 30s I called my mother and asked her what I should wear for an occasion in the family. We discussed and finalized. My husband would consult with me when we pack bags for any trip or event. Finally, it’s his decision but it was a conversation which my daughter saw while growing up. Today as a teenager, she asks me: “what do I wear?”

Picking up a dress for your child is more to do with making a social statement of your prestige. You showcase your child to the world, the way you want the world to think about you and your world. As they grow, one day when your child tells you what you should and should not wear for their school or a friends birthday party, it is a quality they learnt observing you. We never discuss this, but we oblige without giving it any thought.

Now, let’s talk about food. My father is very easy to handle in this space because he never complains or compliments. He will eat what is served. On the other hand, my mother only likes food which suits her taste buds. As a kid my mother always asked me do you like this and if I say no, she tried to find options for me to make me happy. Many mothers can relate to this. But if this conversation ever started in front of my father, he shuts her down saying: “she is a kid, she should eat what is cooked, she has no say in it”. Combination of these two natures also gave me the stubborn gene which never allowed me to taste something which I did not want to. When I became a parent, my kid was very choosy with the food she ate. If white rice has veggies in it, she told its dirty and did not touch. We respected her taste and taught her to respect ours. All 3 of us in the house had different tastes and everything was given equal preference. No, I did not cook for 3 people separately, but we had days where all of us had to adjust and accept the other person’s interest. Over the years she developed the taste buds which matched with ours and now she feels comfortable with everything. While occasionally, given a choice, she does go with her food choices without undermining anyone. When we force “healthy food” to our toddlers they feel the disrespect we show to their choices. It is absolutely right that they don’t know what they are selecting for themselves, but they see adults having things which they like and not allowing kids to have what they want. We show growing kids that adulthood means I am my boss.

Adolescence is a journey to adulthood, and the foundation is laid in childhood. When I was a kid, we never had the permission to speak in front of adults, we can’t scream and play, run and if there is a conversation going on, kids are not allowed to wonder near that place. In present days, kids scream first and talk later. But parents never ask why are you screaming? Visit a playground and you will observe even if someone has to simply run, they will be screaming and running. A kid on the swing, see-saw, slide or a merry-go-round, everyone will be screaming and we have normalized this by never asking the reason or politely telling not to do. We just ignore by saying they are playing. We want them to enjoy, we want them to live a free life, we don’t want to restrict them. As they grow, these behaviors also grow with them and when they hit that special juncture called teenage, we tag the same behavior as disrespectful and say they are being teenagers. When we taught them to be themselves for 13 years, how can we expect them to show a complete contradiction just because we feel they are growing up and have to show decency in their behavior?

When we travel long distance, we have separate playlist for each one of us. We take turns to listen to them but before it is changed, we ask permission with that person, be it our 10years old daughter too. When I want a pencil, I ask her can I borrow? Now that mine and my daughter’s foot size is the same, if I randomly step out and see her slipper out, I ask her if I can wear them. This always gave her a sense of ownership of her things and also taught her just because we are parents and it is our money, we can’t take things for granted.

Our teenagers are a reflection of what they saw in us and what we made them feel. There will always be that unique and extra qualities which every individual brings along with them but as parents if we learn to respect our kid as young as they are, may be even when you are still holding them in your arms, they too will learn to return that as they grow.

                  When I know I can talk, I will not scream.
                  When I know I am heard, I will not yell.
                  When I know I am respected, I will not disobey.
                  When I know I am valued, I will learn to value others.

Teenagers hide things from parents because we did it in the name of protecting them.
Teenagers are in their own world because we too love to be in our own world.
Teenagers like to talk to their friends because we showed them how happy we are when we are with our friends.

We are given 13 long years to make that tiny bundle of joy to a kind and respectable human. Let’s start the journey by being kind, gentle and respectful. What happens after 13years is a result of what happened before 13^th year. Let’s proceed with caution because they learn what they watch, they love how they were loved and they live how we made them feel life is.