Its Normal

How are you?
I am fine, Thank you.
A beginning of a normal conversation and the response is as expected. We don’t usually respond differently to that question. It is one of the most basic lessons learnt in school and we always get full marks for that question because even in the middle of crisis when someone greets you and asks: how are you? We tend to respond I am fine because that is considered as “Normal”. Who defines “Normal” and is the definition universal? The ability of humans to adapt to any situation can make an abnormal condition to evolve and become normal. We all experienced it during covid but here we started calling it “New Normal”.

Every household has a unique story inside but as long as it is inside, it is called normal.
Every relationship has its own dynamics and as long as we can adjust, compromise and tolerate, it is called normal.
Every individual has their own perspective and as long as it aligns with the societal norms, it is called normal.

So how do we identify what is not normal and the biggest responsibility after identifying is how do we communicate and convince someone else that why is it “not normal”.

In current times, relationships are perishing more than it being cherished. We are unable to accept the old normal and say “I am fine” when we are not. We are hoping to be heard because we learnt listening is a skill and is very important in any relationship because it is no longer a one-way street. We understood my normal can be different from your normal because it never can have a universal definition.

We all have learnt Newton’s Laws of Motion. One of my favorites is the one which is easy to remember. Newton’s third law of motion. Physics in relationship!! Is this normal? Change your perception and you will realise this perspective can make a lot of sense to solve many of our problems in life and add special essence which can strengthen the foundation of our relationship.

I grew up in a house where fear and love were in abundance. Every action has equal and opposite reaction which means two forces of nature which are equal in magnitude are acting in opposite direction. When fear moved closer to me, love moved away from me. As per physics this is normal. I started believing that this is normal. In this same “Normal” environment I also learnt fear made me uncomfortable and unhappy. So, I started structuring my belief. A strict and dominating father; a vulnerable and loving mother is my normal. I was always told: “daddy is like that” and I have to accept it. Now this is my normal. As I grew up and observed different environments around me, I realized this is only my normal, but my friends have different normal. Since I was programmed to believe fear from a dominant parent is normal, my mind never felt anything wrong in that environment. My adaptability is the biggest tool which helps me normalize my situation and build my personality on the foundation of that normal environment.

Sometimes in adult life when our personality is shaped, we fail to recognize trigger points which disturb us. My mind accepts an angry father but unable to process an unreasonable partner. Though I structured and believed that fear is part of my life, I also told my brain, “I don’t like it”. So, when I claim control on my life, I tend to rewire my “normal” life and work on redesigning it.

Stress is normal as long as you don’t take any drastic step to end it.
Pain is normal as long as you can tolerate it.
Tolerance is normal as long as it won’t shatter you.

We learn to push our boundaries because anything within that is always considered normal. If we express, we are complaining, if we suppress, we are dealing with it. How do we define “I am fine” in such situations? We all learnt to say, “I am fine” and stay within the boundaries because when we say I am not fine within that boundary, we are not heard but we are judged. And when we are judged, we should always have the best result. Our behavior, our mannerism, our grades, our appearance, our social status, our social presence, everything should be impeccable because then it is “Normal”.

In the journey of life, we all focus on learning ABCD to the level which can land us a job and living. We never learn to read ourselves. Focusing on the “Me Time” is considered as a social media hype. It is easy to say, “don’t judge a book by its cover”. When someone says it, we agree and end up reading too. But have you given it a thought, it is always told for a book which is authored by someone else. We assume if you are the author, then you know your book. So, if this is my life, why don’t I know myself? Why do I rely on someone else to tell me what “Normal” is. Why do I wait for validation when I want to say, “It is not normal for me”.

Being accountable takes a lot of courage. We parent kids not for them to become independent from day 0 but to become independent adults only. The moment we accept our responsibility and identify the difference between possessiveness, protection, support, care, concern, love, we provide space not only for the kids to become an independent human being but also create a space for our own individuality. We are allowed to see ourselves more than just a parent which gives us opportunity to always be connected with ourselves by seeing, hearing, listening and understanding what is everyone’s normal, how is it different and why can’t it be the same.

Most of the disagreement in a conversation surface as arguments because we foster our thoughts before expressing because judgement and validation makes us hesitant to share. We believe it is important to showcase normalcy to the world because if anything is not normal, then I have to fix it and make it normal to fit in this world. We never learnt to accept: “it is okay if it is not okay”.

When fear is mistaken for respect
When obedience is mistaken for love
When duty is mistaken for care and concern
We mistake “Not Normal” to “Normal”

Listen to yourself; You can hear what you want to say
Feel yourself; You can understand what you want to express
See yourself; you will know when to accept “Its Normal”