You Don’t Understand

I understand you because I love you; I understand you because I know you; But do I understand you when I listen to you? Most of the time we listen to respond rather than trying to understand the other person. We understand a person based on the image we create for them in our mind. So sometimes our understanding can soon change to misunderstanding. Relationships hang between these two ends of a conversation where one side sits the understanding person, and the other side is the not understanding person. In between these two is something I call as “Super understanding”.  This maintains the balance as long as it stays in the middle. The more it moves to either side of the see-saw, we start seeing the life and the relationship playing the game of ups and downs.

“My parents never understand me” is a common statement in adolescence. This continues to adult life because after accepting this statement as a fact we fail to listen and pay attention to conversations. Kids start exploring their individuality, but parents forget to grow with them. They stand still at the very beginning where they started, which is raising the infant where they had the super-power of super understanding. This feeling is developed because a mother always knows why her kid cries. When my daughter was a toddler, she got everything she wanted even without asking. As a mother it came naturally to me and I understood her ask even when she did not know how to or what to ask.

As they grow and learn to communicate, we start missing those unspoken understanding because even for a 60yr old parent, a kid always remains that child whom they nurtured. We say age is just a number because we don’t grow in our relationships and we humans are no one without what our relationships make us. A reunion at 40 will still make you feel like a college kid and a parent teacher meeting will make you feel like an adult.

Most of our relationships are based on the foundation: “I know what is best for you”. You might deny this statement but give it a thought. Parents always think only they know what is best for their kids. Spouses think, I know what my partner likes the most. Adult kids think they know what is best for their parents. This thought may be right at times but this very thought can drive you away from your relationship also.

When a parent decides, I want my child to become a doctor, engineer or lawyer because that is the best way to secure his future, they fail to understand the child is an individual who has a journey of its own and it might be different from what parent plans for them. When a husband says, my wife loves to go shopping with her friends he fails to understand that she prefers his company more than them if he liked that too. When a son/daughter says take rest and don’t exert too much they fail to understand that the diversion from old age comes with mingling with people outside and doing the work they love engaging in and taking rest can sometimes feel like punishment. We all encounter a phase in life where one of the most closet relationship in our life don’t understand us. The main reason behind this misunderstood or not being understood relationship is lack of attentive listening and communication.

In theory we are all very good but when it comes to being practical, we struggle. May be the reason is we always focus on learning the theory. My niece recently finished her college and will be starting her first job. Her maturity amazed me because she told, college is theory, and it has nothing much to do with job which is practical. This understanding is the first step we can take in embracing change. It doesn’t come naturally to all. The process of change is inevitable, but we always try to hold on to what we have and what we know. Only if the caterpillar undergoes transformation, butterfly can emerge from the chrysalis.

Our every phase of life has a change which comes with a lot of challenges. When we fail to see and accept that change, our relationship enters the space of: “you don’t understand”. We don’t follow the rule of: “You talk, I will listen” because we can’t do that. We are never wired to be in the present because we keep reliving our life in our mind. When our kid comes and tells an incident of school, we listen but we still have thoughts of what we did in our school days. That is the reason every child hears this atleast once from a parent: I was your age too once; I know how it feels; I know what you plan to do etc. We fail to see our chrysalis is different from that of our kid. Every individual is unique. Their environment, relationships, society, time, financial status, emotional development and so many other factors are different. As adults we fail to adjust to this fast-changing time so, how can we understand what our kids are going through in their age if we don’t listen to them without our own pre-conceived notion about that age?

Our ability to listen and pay attention is reduced to such an extent that even an insta reel holds our attention just for few seconds. We can doomscroll for hours but that is because the subject matter changes every few seconds and we are free to skip the part which is not interesting. We are doing the same in our life and relationships. Skip the phase which is not interesting. Search for something which is more fun. Our online relationships and social circle is increasing because we go searching for someone who can understand me; someone who can relate to my situation; someone who feels what I am going through, etc.

We grew up in the age where whether we were understood by our family or not, we still had to deal with that, accept it, adjust with the differences, and learn to find ways to make them understand. Current generations are failing to learn the skills of expressing themselves and making the other person understand what they think and feel. They walk away from relationships just like how we skip to new reel or youtube shot if the one we are watching is not interesting.

The most beautiful aspect of relationship is, it becomes stronger the more time you spend with it. To spend time, we have to give that time. We accepted what was given to us but we changed that for our kids. We got them what they asked us for. So when we changed their thought process, we do have to change with them. The skills we have in accepting and adjusting with what we have should be transferred to the next generation so they can understand what we have is what made us capable to be there for them even when we wanted to move to the new reel. Patience is the foundation of any relationship. When I say, “you talk, I will listen”. I prepare myself to be patient. During the conversation if your mind deviates, have the liberty to tell, I am sorry, I did not understand. We talk to be heard and understood. Sometimes even if we don’t get the solution to our problem, the assurance of being understood forms the second brick of the foundation of the relationship.

It is easy to say, “I understand you” and even more easy to think “you don’t understand” because both these thoughts stand on the beam of “super understanding” which we believe is the reality of the other person for us. Don’t let your relationship to thrive on the belief of “super understanding”. It is only a fantasy we want to be in. When reality hits we find ourselves in a world where we will be doomscrolling to find someone who can understand us.

Learn to Speak.
Learn to Listen.
Be prepared to express.
Be prepared to explain.  

Build your relationships with a door open for being understood and also not understood. It is always better than being misunderstood. Give the space and time for every love of your life to place their foundation of life with patience and perseverance. Finding yourself is not easy. So, making another person understand what you found can be even more difficult. This journey is okay to begin with “you don’t understand” but never give up until “You do Understand”.