I Want to Leave

Our life oscillates between two emotions – Love and Leave. We can call it attachment and detachment. Attachment gives birth to love, and detachment is defined as leaving what we love. But is this the true meaning or are we just accepting this because it sounds easy to accept this definition? Consider the example of a baby. With love, we conceive a baby and of course it is attached to the womb of a mother. When a mother gives birth, it is detached and leaves the womb Did love leave the baby or the mother? No, that can never happen. We still detach the connection, leaving love where it is supposed to stay. Beauty of detachment is much more than just leaving the connection. In our lifetime, there comes a time where we all feel like leaving the chaos which defines us and starting over. At least once, we re-write our story in our mind which starts with leaving everything behind. The reality is different from imagination, so we always find ourselves attached to love and detached to leave.

Birds are known to force their offsprings out of the nest to leave and learn to fly but we tend to do the opposite. As we become parents, we start developing the fear of detachment. The day when my child will say “I want to leave” is the day I break from within. Why does this happen to us even though we know it is the reality which we can’t escape from? Why are we never prepared for the time when our kids want to leave our nest and start their life? The answer lies with us, and it all starts with “what if”.

When my daughter was 10yrs, she went on her first school trip to Nagpur. Her interest was always inclined towards the wild, and this trip was what she wanted to experience. It was the first time she planned to travel without us. As most of our kids in the current generation, even she has her special needs about food, space and comfort which was taken care by us without any announcement of how or what was done. So, she never knew how it is to be on her own where there was no one who would listen to her unspoken needs and wants. How everything was done when it was needed. She had a good experience and exposure to life. After 4 days, she returned and she told: “I will never go anywhere without you”.

During the same trip she also experienced how her friends were enjoying their time away from home, their parents, home environment and happy to spend more time away from the comfort their parents provided. It was a contradicting reality of freedom and comfort which was surprising for a 10yr old girl who believed all houses are the same as she lived in, all parents are just like the one she has and all her friends also missed their life which they left behind for 4 days.

As she grew, there was more to explore in life and now she comes and asks me: can I go out for higher studies and what if I want to find a job abroad? During her trip, it was mainly the food and comfort which made her miss the life she left. But as a growing teenager, her focus is on building a life for herself outside of what her parents have provided. We all live our life like the Venn diagram. We have 2 sets intersecting at some point but majority of it also stands alone with its own uniqueness.

When my daughter comes and shares about her friends planning to leave for higher studies, we have a long conversation. The intent was to understand the reason behind: “I want to leave”. Sometimes it is the impulse and fantasy we tend to believe exists with the life we dream without parents, their rules, restrictions, discipline which we believe defines freedom. As parents, we also conclude the story for our children when they say: “I want to leave” and forget to ask them the real reason behind this. Is it a well thought decision for their own future or is it only an escape plan?

Has the provider in me made the life for my child a burden or has it given a strong foundation to explore the pros and cons of the need and wants before taking that decision? Do I have the patience to listen to my child without being judgmental and am I capable to stand quietly without adding my fear into the conversation?

I want the best for my child is the emotion which clouds all our judgement. This emotion is more about Me and less about my child. We rarely ask the child what they want because we believe parents know the best for their children. So, when our kids brew the thought of wanting to leave the paradise we create for them it is our responsibility to ensure they build and develop that thought for the right reason. Shutting it down acts like a slow poison but encouraging it to be shared helps us and them develop the skills needed to live independently with attached detachment.

I once told my friend when my daughter turned 9yrs, that my reverse countdown to be with my daughter has started. She did not accept my philosophy because the thought of kids leaving us is very painful. The early we accept the reality the more prepared we are to guide and support them when they come up with their thoughts of leaving to fly.

Kids are like the kites which fly high in the sky. Parents are the ones who manage that flight. We need two people on the ground standing one behind the other so the kite can be given the direction and space to reach where it can experience LIFE. Our values and principles are what accompanies the child while they are away from us and it defines how strong is the kite to withstand the storm up in the sky. If both parents do the same task, stand at the same spot, they cannot see different perspectives. So, we always need to be at two different places so one can share the perception the other is missing.  When we fly the kite, one of them holds the reel and the other manages the cord. Only when the reel is left freely, cord can be tackled in a way which will help the kite reach the height we love to see it from. Only when all three of us are synchronized is when the kite can leave the ground and stay up in the sky. Only when parents give that push and show the child that the cord attached to the kite is not control but it is the mode of freedom, a family cherishes growth of all of them.

I want to leave is a thought which we all experience for various reasons. When the thought feels hostile, it is important to find that confidant who can steer the direction of the wind in the right path. Let us become that confidant by bridging the gap between our fear, protection and possessiveness. When we look at our tiny replicas as individuals, we tend to develop that detachment which builds that strong attachment where the thought of “I want to leave” comes from a positive foundation. It is always not an escape route, but it could be a step towards the bright future which we dream to give our kids.

Let us make them build their own dreams. I can only kiss my daughter “sweet dreams” but what comes in after she sleeps is what she experienced. My role in her life is to ensure she feels safe to dream but how she handles her dream is a space where I don’t have the entry ticket to. Prepare your child to leave the nest so, when they get that thought of leaving, they do it with the right intention and are able to foresee the future they dream to have.

I want to leave is a plan
I want to leave is a decision
I want to leave is an action
Make it count with the right reason. Be there for your child to guide them while they make the plan, decide and act on it.