Goals, dreams, ambition, reality are all the words with big meanings for adults. All these define an individual’s identity to society. What do you want to become is a common question asked by adults to kids. We all have answered it as a kid but as we grow life takes its turns and the same question once asked and answered feels like a joke or a childhood memory which was used only to build conversation. Does this question mean anything to person asking and what does it mean to the kid answering this? Why do these feel like an insignificant question though the answer could define your entire life. Does parenting have an impact here or is this something which is a random statement because we believe kids don’t have the maturity to take such a crucial decision of their life. Then why do we ask them this question if we have decided never to value their response?
My father once told me: during my retirement, my identity is not for what I am, but it depends on what my daughter has become. So, it was his dream and expectation to be known as an engineer’s father which he fulfilled through me which was not in alignment to what I wanted to become. His social circle displayed and showcased a financially stable future for a software engineer, and he decided that to be my future. I was never given a chance to choose what I want to become because according to my parents, I am a kid who knows nothing, and it is their responsibility to shape my life in the best way possible.
When the time comes to choose what to become and how to become, we believe that our child is incompetent to make that decision, then why do we ask kids the question: what do you want to become? Kids’ memory always has been defined with contradicting statements. When we scold a toddler, we believe the kid won’t remember anything the next day, when the same kid is sent to school, he is expected to remember everything taught the previous day, when we go on vacation, parents sometimes leave kids with grandparents with the reason that kids won’t remember anything if we take them now, but the same kid will remember everything about that childhood spending vacation in grandparents’ house. So, as parents and adults are we deciding what kids want based on our convenience or based on what kids really want? Usually it is our emotional, social, and financial situation which makes us take the decisions we do but then we stand by them wherever possible by saying I know what’s best for you.
An exploring and growing brain is always fascinated towards anything new and interesting. At the age of 6 when asked my daughter what she wanted to become, she had a huge list of everything she was learning and watching. She thought she could do all of it for a living. As a parent it was my responsibility to explore all the options she was interested in and see if there is a possibility to build a career and living in those streams. Defenitely my work kept increasing because every week and then every 6month to 1 year, her interests either kept changing or shifting or increasing.
We all believe kids no nothing, so it is our responsibility to ensure we guide them or rather decide for them. As parents we get a lot of opportunity to learn from kids but instead we overlook at them because we are so busy protecting them and trying to make their life comfortable that we forget valuing their individuality and helping them build their personality. The main reason being, we are brought up in the same way where obedience means we don’t have room for conversation with adults. We were never moulded to think what we want to become from age of may be 5 or 6years. If the thought of owning my life as my responsibility never developed and one fine day in class 10th or 12th we ask them to make and take the decision of lifetime, they will definitely be startled and look up to their parents for help. We come in there like superheroes and decide for them with the intention to give them a financially secure future.
It is always easy when you know what to do next. So, from playgroup to nursery to Montessori/kindergarten to grade 1 to grade 10, it is all predefined. We keep the decision-making part till the end and skip the preparation to reach there. Since we are so well versed with pushing the decision-making aspect of life to later date we end up in a situation where we juggle between options and unable to choose at the specified deadline. When we plan to get ready for any occasion, we go stand in front of the open closet full of clothes and accessories thinking what to wear and we never find anything suitable. We do this exercise multiple times and sometimes end up going shopping from one website to another or one shop to another and explore hundreds or thousands of options with so many filters. This is the process for one occasion, and we repeat this for every single occasion which we consider is important. Apart from all this we also go seek suggestions from family, friends, check online on what’s trending, is this fashionable enough, will I stand out or look out of place and the activities are endless until everything is over. When the next occasion comes up, we start the whole process from scratch again and though it is exhausting we continue doing this again and again. All this just for couple of hours. Then when it comes to choosing what we want to become why do we pick what is lying in front and avoid making the effort of exploring the vast options available at our disposal? When choosing a dress, we check if the color, texture, pattern etc., matches our appearance and compliments our personality. But what to study and what to become is given very little thought.
The question what do you want to become is something which should always be given a thought and discussed consistently. Yes, it keeps changing every 6months or even every day sometimes, but there will be a responsibility given to your little one that it is not my parents who will decide for me and then if I don’t get what I want, I can blame them for my failure. When parents constantly have such conversations, it will help our adult experienced mind to come up with options to suggest and guide the kids to think and carve the path for their thought process to move in a direction where their interest can lead towards a living and career.
Speaking to your child about what do they want to become is not just about fascinating dreams and fantasizing their thoughts. It is a high responsibility job as a parent. Ask them about how they plan to achieve it, what will they do after becoming what they said, do they know how that will help them to lead their life, will that path make them financially independent, can they do that every single day and also be able to live the life they dream to have. All these questions might sound too much when you imagine a 5year old. But you will be amazed to learn the way a kid’s mind works. In all the conversation you will get your homework too. It is not just their responsibility to answer all your questions, but it is your responsibility to then explore in that direction, so you are prepared to guide them when you have your next conversation. Be prepared to accept that all the work you did in one conversation might go completely waste the next time you speak but that’s how this process works.
As parents we need to understand what kids want but at the same time we have to make them understand what we can give. Preparing them to achieve their goals should always be accompanied with their reality. Explaining your ability to fulfill their needs while you plan to achieve your own should be the foundation of your conversation. Remember if you start this at 5yrs then you would end up making a series of novel when they reach teenage because a child’s imagination of adult life can make any adult go into an alien world. So be prepared to hear a new series every time. It could not be a continuation to your previous chat because the interest could change with age, friends, online reels, environment and so many factors. But keep it real for them. Ask them why a change was there so you know how things affect your kid’s thought process.
A dress which I liked in my twenties might not be what I like in my thirties. A movie I watched and giggled as a teenager might make we wonder now what was that I liked so much in that. As we age our choices and interests change. We don’t notice that so much in adult life because it is not of great significance. But in a growing child’s mind these changes can be swift and could make a lot of difference to the choices they make for their future.
Allow your child to be a part of his own life.
Give them the opportunity to own their decision.
Be their North Star and make their life meaningful to them.
We see and hear a lot of adults crossing mid-life crisis and saying what did I do in my life? Don’t let your child ask the same question with himself when he reaches that age where he feels like I want to restart my life because I don’t remember being in charge of it. Everyone else did everything and I just became a spectator in my own play.
What you want to become is a statement which crafts your way of living. Don’t make it a conversation with a stranger. Embrace the answer every time for this question in your life because it is your life which depends on your thoughts. Parents lead the path for their kids but it is equally important for them to understand when and how to stop and step back so the true owner of the life can take the lead to become what they want to be.
Perception Changes Perspective 
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