Nothing Will Happen to Me

Always speak the truth, never lie to anyone, accept reality, don’t live in fantasy, these are few statements we all have heard from our parents and continue to share the same ideology with our kids. But when the time comes to make our kids feel safe, we push them to fantasy and away from reality of life. We give the comfort by one statement: “nothing will happen to me; I am always there to protect you”. When reality strikes this fantasy, are we prepared to face this and have we prepared our kids to accept it? Another perspective of this very statement is a result of the upbringing which our parents focused on: being independent and self-sufficient. In the journey of proving we need no one to manage our life, we end up repeating this to ourselves: nothing can happen to me, I will manage everything.

Being vulnerable is the basic quality of remaining human and we target to take that away. My mother always told me that she could never see me sad or upset. Her only aim was to ensure I had everything I need so there were no problems in my life. As I grew, I developed the security that everything will be fine as long as my mother is around, and she always ensured that nothing will happen to her. As I grew a little older, I developed the fear of death. No one spoke to me about this, so I could not speak about this to anyone. Then how do I know what that means and how can adults be so sure that nothing will happen to them? All these can be very mysterious to a kid’s growing and curious mind. We often avoid sharing such news or taking kids to funerals with our own assumption that it is not good for them. This is where we push them into fantasy world and at the same time try to teach them to accept reality. We should either stay on this side of the fence or move to the other. The in-between business is always confusing.

Few years back when my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, none of us knew how that phase of our life will be. My daughter asked me what happened to dodda(grandmother)? She was just 10yrs but we did not choose to say “nothing will happen to her” instead we told her what we knew in a way she could understand and that made her very sad. But she had company in her sadness because no one in the family was happy. When we accept “anything can happen, we make ourselves free to talk about the unpleasant. We won’t be angry with kids if they share something pleasant because then we realise they are coping and helping us deal with the situation by being present with us. The moment we say “nothing will happen”, we draw a boundary in that relationship which eventually becomes a wall without a door to cross that.

We all know death is a reality which none of us can deny but it is the unpleasant reality which we don’t want to talk about. So how do we get comfortable with loss? How long do we live our life in the fantasy world where nothing will happen to people we love? There is never an answer which ends this thought and conversation. Every individual has their own coping mechanism for grief and we can never get comfortable with loss. But that is the reality which makes us accept the truth of life. The more we keep ourselves open to the thought of anything can happen to anyone anytime, we become that safe space to our kids where any fear can be confided. Being a friend to your child doesn’t mean being there with them in their happy times, or trying to find out if they are moving in the wrong path, it also means you share your vulnerability with them and keeping the line of communication open for them to share theirs too.

When I pick up my daughter from school, I ask her about her day and she asks me about mine. During her Montessori days, I only got one word answer: good or nice. Then when she asked me, I generally had one of the other story to share of what happened in my office. Eventually she learnt to share her day with us. Now she calls it episodes of a daily soap. Kids learn from parents either by seeing how we behave or how we don’t behave. If we consider adult life is off limit for kids and we should always put on the mask of everything is fine, they learn that from us and become better than us. When they grow up to become adults, we get the same response which we have been giving them: “everything is fine, nothing will happen to me”.

Being independent doesn’t mean we are not concerned.
Being self- sufficient doesn’t mean we don’t care.
Independence should always be a combination of respectful communication and concerned gratitude. Our focus to become independent and also make self-sufficient individuals is moving in the path of unconcerned detachment. The more we try to prove we can do everything and nothing will happen to us, the lonelier we become.

Parents believe protecting kids from problems and sorrows is their primary role and goal but when we focus too much on giving them that fantasized reality, we make them individuals unaware of empathy and emotions. Making them believe everything that happens to you does happen to me too is the right approach of sharing. Only then they will know your pain, anger, frustration, happiness, anxiety, excitement etc. If we hide our life from them, they too will do the same. Kids never relate to the life parents once had. When we say I too was in college and I know what happens, they never relate because all through their life we have only portrayed an image which is untouched from any pain or fatigue, happiness or sorrow. That make belief becomes reality and that day parents no longer remain human, they transform into superhuman who can do everything for the kids and nothing will happen to them.

Planning and preparing for life are important. Equally important is to respect the unexpected variables which show up as surprises and/or unpleasant reality.  All this is part of who we are and who we become. Believing in self builds our self-confidence and knowing someone else believes in us makes it our responsibility to ensure they don’t fantasize their belief. Living up to someone’s expectation can be an exhaustive experience be it parents, kids, teachers, siblings, or sometimes even strangers who come into our life in the name of society. The hope we give to ourselves and our loved ones that nothing will happen to me, can sometimes become the root cause to anything can happen. The difference between nothing will happen to me and anything can happen is just that line between self-confidence and over confidence. We teach our kids to be confident, kind, gentle and humane but when we keep telling them that nothing will happen to me, there is a subtle arrogance which accompanies that statement of over confidence. We never realise what we say to make them feel safe can one day make them feel lost too. The more they are close to reality and truth of life, the more they accept you to be who you are and see what you are. Give your family and friends the chance to be with you for who you are by first accepting that anything can happen to anyone which becomes the foundation for a strong and confident relationship that accepts reality and believes in the truth of life.