…and then we got married.

Marriage is often called as an institution, and wedding is a family affair. In both conditions this relationship is never confined to two people only. Then how is the decision of compatibility between two partners evaluated? As parents we always want the best for our kids with no compromise but in marriage the same adult kids are expected to live by compromising and adjusting with each other. When the foundation of every parenting aspect is laid on “No Compromise”, “Happily Married” definitely sounds like an oxymoron where most of the adults end up saying a sad story which ends with …and then we got married.

Earlier days marriage was defined by security which involved financial and social. Over the years it travelled its journey and moved to include companionship and now it is more of being equal partners. Men and women from time immemorial are in the Hare & Tortoise race, where men are the hare and women are the tortoise. Men moved independently and fast as hare and came far ahead in the race where one day they decided to stop and wait at the end point. In the speed of their journey, they missed observing the path they travelled and never paid attention to the changing environment around them. Women on the other hand moved slowly observing what happened around them, paid attention to change, adapted to change, embraced it, made sure people around them were comfortable with the change and in this process, they changed their identity which men who ran fast in the race missed to identify and acknowledge. Men believed the path they travelled in the race, when they started with women is the same, but women changed everything for themselves and others. The more we understand this process, the more we are happy to say, …and then we got married and stayed happily every after.

I see my parents married for so many decades and even today there are aspects where they both don’t know each other, don’t understand each other, don’t share common interests with each other and are two different individuals who say I don’t know how I spent more than half of my life with this person. Still there is a strong feeling within them which says I don’t know how I could have lived without you. Marriage is a confusing emotion which has no right or wrong answer. It survives on your ability to make it adventurous, exciting, committed, loving and caring. We think our parents are still married to each other because they fear society and at this stage it’s a habit to be together. Then we think to ourselves, I am not like them so I would never do what they did. But we forget, the beauty of togetherness lies in respecting and communicating with each other rather than demanding and expecting.

We are social animals who want companionship. Marrying a partner about whom we know everything is like buying a book which we have read a thousand times. What is the excitement in having the book which we know back and forth? It just stays in the shelf and be in our life for reason unknown. The excitement of reading each word lies in the journey of life where we commit to finish it and enjoy every moment like no one is watching. There is a saying “don’t judge a book by its cover”. But we all do this from time to time. The title, book cover, the author, genre, prelude and so many other aspects make us interested to read what it has in it. In a thriller, once you know the climax, you lose interest. Sometimes life and marriage work in a similar way. What is in life without surprises and excitement? When I know how my everyday will be, what makes me get up from bed is the expectation of surprise and excitement which can be brought in by my partner.

I am who I am on one day, but I could be someone I have no clue who to become when life throws its challenges on me. Then how to expect I should know everything about the person I marry and expect only then when I say …and then we got married becomes a happily ever after? Being happy is a choice we make for ourselves and when that choice involves a partner in love, happiness multiplies. It is inevitable to have sorrows, disagreement, fights and even frustration but there is no relationship in this world which comes with only one side of the coin. Flip side is always different from what we see. It is up to us how we want to take that spice into our life. Without a pinch of salt even a sweet dish can’t enhance its taste, let alone relationship.  

Marriage is a beginning of a relationship which has no end and so it is always associated with a ring which has no end. When we say “we got married” it will never mean that life is in the past tense. It means life started in the present and we move into the future with memory of past and make a beautiful present to live life with a companion.

In the past few years, I have been feeling the burden of growing old because life is taking away a lot of people from me because they are growing older. The one person who stands by me in my darkest moment is my husband because he feels the pain as much as I do since we are growing old together. The beauty of this relationship is we gave birth to it together, so we are of the same age, and we understand each other with the same level of maturity. When we get married, in our culture, we stand facing each other where I see his side of the family and he sees mine. So, when relationship starts, we promise each other to be there with each other and help them to see what they are unable to see from each other’s point of view. When we face each other, I can feel what he wants to share and see where he is coming from. This is the beauty of marriage. One partner can support the other because together they can see both the sides of the same coin at the same time.

…and then we got married marks the beginning of a new phase of a beautiful life because you are not alone in this new journey. In any other relationship you are alone as you start because 2 people involved don’t feel the same e.g., for a new born kid, parents know everything, newly born parents feel kids is their responsibility, new relatives could be strangers, old relatives often say, we know you since you were a kid, kids growing through all these relationships feels the dynamics of change like a dynamite. Marriage sets all relationships apart because that makes you feel comfortable to step into a life with a partner, who will accompany you from the starting point and has a story to tell which started with you which moves on to be with them forever.

Ability to inculcate the feeling of adjustment and compromise in kids lies with parents. The values which build respect and love for another individual comes from what we see around us. It is how we feel that gets communicated to our kids rather than what we teach them. When me and my husband are happy in our marriage our daughter believes in it but when we only advocate it because of the set norms that after a certain age that is what life is meant to have, then she can see through it and will start questioning the sanctity of the institution it beholds. It is not our preaching which makes the world a better place, it is our belief which makes life beautiful with the relationships it brings along with it.

I graduate from adolescence to adulthood, but when I change my status from single to married, that’s not graduation. It is not a step away after a phase. It is a decision I choose to make my world a better place with someone who makes it better for me, by being there with me and I commit the same back with love, respect and gratitude.

Being married is a blessing if we believe in it.
Being married is a feeling if we feel it.
Being married is an emotion which keeps us alive.
Because love and happiness in marriage cannot be arranged. They come and stay with you as long as you see them on either side of the same coin even when one of them misses to notice its presence.