Don’t Become Like Me

Who is your role model? Being ambitious, becoming successful, choosing a role model plays a key role in shaping our life. What is the right way of doing this? Reading biographies, watching documentaries, listening to interviews of successful people, does this help us choose the right role model? It makes us admire them and makes us dream about having such a life. Does this mean only popular people should be role models? Can we have a role model who is one amongst us? Would that make you feel less worthy or ambitious and not successful? Then why do we always hear parents saying to kids: “don’t become like me”. Can we not become the person whom we want to see in our children?

Sense of achievement comes in many forms, but the most cherished and accepted form is when it is applauded by the society we live in. Hence a housewife never feels she achieved something worth being proud of. There is no materialistic value associated with her achievement, there is no quantitative measure for return on investment, there is no comparative satisfaction which can be pictured into a winning trophy.  So very often kids hear this from their mothers: “don’t become like me”. This feeling defines your self-worth, and it is not specific to gender. A father who is a provider might feel the same what a mother feels when he is unable to satisfy his family’s needs and wants. One of the main pillars of any relationship is “RESPECT” and if we doubt our self-worth, how do we sow the seed in others to respect us in our relationship? “Don’t become like me” is a statement of action but when it develops within a relationship it becomes one of the strongest emotions which adds colors to your relationship which fades from bright colors to shades of grey.

My mother is the most successful person in our family because she has achieved everything she dreamt of for me. I say “for me” because she still says I am her life and if I achieved something then it is her life’s dream. She was very ambitious about shaping my life. She was passionate about being my mother and my life defined her as long as I was her shadow. Now my life resonates the value she taught me. She spoke to me about everything: good, bad and ugly where she focused on emotions. Our conversations always landed on the foundation of humanity. In any situation she always taught me that valuing a person, being kind and respectful should be the priority and not who that person is or the materialistic value associated with him. When she did this, I needed no biographies to picture my role model. I needed no documentaries to feel a stranger’s struggle. I needed no interviews to explain the path to success. My definition of success was personalized to me by my mother. She crafted my life based on her definition of what success is for me. She wanted to give back to the society a good human being and she focused her entire energy in making that happen.

Kids idealise their parents as long as they respect them. There is always a belief that a boy wishes to have the qualities of his mother in his life partner and a girl imagines her husband to be as caring and protective as her father is. We learn from what we see, feel and perceive more than what we are told to do. When we see a husband scolding his wife and the wife accepting it and getting back to her routine life with no emotional set back, we start to accept that it is okay to be insulted and humiliated. That same woman comes to her kids and says: “don’t become like me”, makes you believe that respect should be given only if you have financial independence or if you are superior and in an authoritative position. When we read biographies of strangers, we respect their struggles, we believe GOD made them special so they could achieve what they achieved. We fail to see the similar struggle around us, in our own family because we don’t treat ordinary people as special and successful until society tags them as achievers.

An “ordinary” housewife has all the corporate qualities which we can name such as time management, budget planning, team building, communication, stakeholder management, negotiation, presentation skills, planning, execution and anything and everything. She is impeccable when she cooks, packs tiffin, gets kids and husband ready on time for school and work. At the same time, she can communicate with multiple people, all in specific languages as individual needs example: different with kids, in-laws, parents, siblings, husband, maid etc. She can negotiate whatever she wants from when she goes shopping to buy vegetables to convincing husband to send the kid to a field trip.  Her house will be neat and clean which is presentable to any guests who come in unannounced. Her planning starts from a cup of coffee early morning to dinner and dessert before bed. Her execution is displayed on the dining table at every meal which is unnoticed for most of the time. Her every action demonstrates safety and security for all her family members. Her ability to lead is always hidden behind her smile because we only picture leaders who show authority and power. If the position one holds is not valued, no matter how good they are, it is never enough. But do our mothers know that they are multitalented and just a kitchen can teach you all of this and still make you feel worthless?

Being worthy is a choice we make. Say it loud so you know that you should be respected. When we say “don’t become like me” we define our worth and say it loud enough for everyone else to decide our worth. Choosing a role model from the list of successful people can make us admire their achievements but we always carry a hidden thought about their achievements that “they were born to be special”.  But when you admire the people around you and choose an ordinary person to be your role model, then you become special because you see what they are ignoring in themselves, and you teach them to be grateful for what they have and forgotten its value. You not only find a role model, but you too become one because showing mirror to someone could be easy but seeing the same mirror together and appreciating the other person while retaining your own worth and learning to improve from your flaws is a choice we make to become the person we love someone else to admire about.

My aunt once told me, you can learn to live life if you learn to survive in a kitchen.  Starting from safety from knife, fire, chilli powder or hot water or to something as sweet as sugar or jaggery or something as bitter as coffer or bitter guard and a sprinkle of salt, everything has a sense of identify which when combined can do wonders.  We should know what to mix with what and what not be brought together. This is what we can learn when we respect the person who always wants the child to not become like her but to conquer the world and become successful as defined by society. A housewife can say “don’t become like me” but I can say that, it is never easy to become like her. We get the value only if we give that value. Never undermine yourself because even a diamond shines only when it is cut and polished. Value what you have and share it with your child because what you can give is always special and there is no one else who can make them what you expect them to be.

Be the person who you admired to become.
Be the person who you wish your kid would admire.
Be the person who respects everyone for who they are.
Be the person whose stories you tell your kids to dream about.

When relationships build on mutual admiration and respect, there is always a role model within you whom your kids dream to become, and they say: “I want to become like you”