I am Not You; You Are Not Me

Many a times we think, plan, and prepare to face certain challenging situations. We are in constant dialogue with ourselves and in our mind, we always win. Sometimes we discuss few scenarios with our friends or family and get suggestions, instructions, opinions and even judgements which changes our thought process for that time being. When we come face to face with reality the whole background story and the preparation becomes blurry, and we end up in that situation which might turn against our favor. Then we feel helpless and inferior.  When we share the story with our family and friends, we always hear the statements: “You should have done this”, “if I was in your position, I would have not let that happen”, “why didn’t you do anything”, etc. At that point we go into silent mode, but our mind constantly says, “I am not you and you are not me”. We always say and hear: “its easier said than done” and this is exactly why we need a support system in any relationship and not a “rule book”.

My relationship with my mother is very special. She had all the time and patience to listen to everything I had to say. In my school days, we both waited for me to get back home so I could share everything what happened in school. Because of my sharing, my mother knew everything and everyone in my class. She knew who my friends were, who pretended to be my friends, who were my well-wishers and who could harm me. Based on her evaluation she often guided me on how I should be in my life in her absence. She always found ways to protect me both when she was around me and when she was not. I was an obedient child, so I always listened to her and followed the rules. We both forgot one major factor here that it was my perspective I shared with my mother, and it was her perception which made all the protective shield around me. I was not her and she was not me in any situation but when she listened to my version of the story, she pictured the whole scenario from her point of view. Then how do we deal with life if we always start thinking I am not her so I can’t help her or say anything? This is where support system comes into effect.

Being supportive in any relationship is like having a spine for the body. It is not the brain which thinks for us and gives solutions at difficult times, it is not the heart which feels the emotions and overpowers logic at times but without the spine you cannot stand erect. Relationship and their support are exactly the same, they may not have to do anything but they still do everything just by being there and allowing you to think straight and take decisions. Enable your child to think through the situation by laying down options and possibilities. Do not conclude a situation or their story for them. Be the advocate who can argue from both ends as needed. When someone comes and tell, “I fought with my friend today”, just listen to the whole story and ask them, “so what do you want to do next”, “why do you want to do that?”, “what made you decide that?” etc. Sometimes the very first question will have an answer as “nothing” because we share because we want to share and not to get a different perspective. It is human nature, we feel light when we share and when that sharing ends with silence, understanding, empathy, it can build a relationship rather than breaking it.

When I first joined my job, I struggled with lot of things which included work and people. I did come home and share few things with my mom and my husband. My husband always listened to me and gave me suggestions and solutions as a senior colleague which made me feel disconnected with him. So I told him, I am sharing my day with you as your wife and I want my husband to listen to it and support me. I am lucky to have a smart and loving husband who understood what I wanted and never shared his perception as a colleague but always allowed me to come up with resolution which I can handle because it was my situation to handle. But when I was open to accept, he did share his perspective too because that made me think more on what I have to do while I stand erect. On the other side my mother and I come a long way with this sharing business. She has always been the one who looked out for any danger around me. As I grew up under her protective shield, I know she suggests things to me with only one aspect as her focus – my safety. But in life safety is not the only goal of existence. As I became independent, she started accepting that I am a different individual who she has made confident enough to handle her own situations. So, we always have discussions which do not conclude with judgement, but they are open with both our perspectives and we are free to handle it as comfortable as we are because she respects the fact that I am not her and she is not me.

I could have done this better, why didn’t you do as I told you to, I think you are wrong, etc., all these statements and many more like these lead to a conclusion of a relationship where we don’t give space to the individual to bloom as they want. Our respect for any individual starts by accepting their individuality. That individuality doesn’t magically appear as you become an adult. It is always there with you throughout your life from childhood. When we respect our kids, they too learn to respect themselves and others. Start the process from the very beginning. When a kid refuses to wear a dress of your choice at the age of 2yrs, do not show authority but show that you care by asking them their reason for refusing to wear. Speak to them at their level of understanding and respect their viewpoint if it sounds valid. If it doesn’t, express your viewpoint and see if you have the ability to make them understand your viewpoint. Being an adult doesn’t give you the privilege to be right all the time in front of a kid. We might feel listening to them will give them too much freedom to throw tantrums, but it works the opposite. If you have the time and patience which they need at that time, they too will have the time and patience to listen to you.

Tantrums call for Attention
Attention demands Affection.

Listen, understand, and acknowledge because empathy heals a wound without even realizing the magic it spreads. When I want to help you, I share my perspective. When you seek help from me, you build your perspective along with my perception. Together we build the relationship inorder to grow our individuality and respect each other’s space and value each other’s identity.

I can’t be you; you can’t be me, but we can be there for each other when I don’t push you to become Me.