Are You Listening?

Listen to me! This is always told with an unpleasant tone. Whereas this phrase should be the core of our communication. When I first visited my daughter’s school, I observed a chart in every classroom which displayed the various voice levels which we have to use in different places. It ranged from whisper to outdoor. We teach kids the volume of their speech, but we miss to teach them to listen. Listening goes a long way in our life. When we focus on listening more than speaking, every relationship builds a strong bond because we then focus on sharing. Try this as an activity for an hour: curb your curiosity to share your viewpoint on a topic when someone is sharing something with you and listen to them until they finish. Once they finish check with yourself: “am I listening?” It will never be 100% because we deviate and when forced not to interrupt, we tend to converse within ourselves and then we go off track. What is the result? The tag line we give our every relationship: “You never listen to me”.

When in love, we don’t want to listen to anyone because we want to enjoy that feeling without any disturbance. When we are angry, we don’t want to listen to anyone because our inner voice is so loud that there is no scope for anything to reach us. When we are happy, we don’t want to listen to anyone because we fear losing that moment. When we are sad, we don’t want to listen to anyone because our inner self is disturbed. Then how do we bond with each other through listening? At every extreme phase of our emotion, we avoid listening but still that is the only way of building the relationship.

We all have heard our teachers saying: “pin drop silence” which means a person should be able to listen to the sound of a pin when it is dropped. Try this at home and you will know even the pin has its own sound when dropped. Our relationship works just like that. We talk a lot with each other but we don’t know what is the sound of silence in our relationship because we fail to listen. My mother always told me, somedays, she doesn’t know what used to happen in her class because she tried to focus as the teacher starts the class and then her mind wandered everywhere except for class. The same happens in life. We are so engrossed in our own life that when someone starts talking to us, our attention span is minimal because we are planning and preparing to put out our version of the story which we want to share.

Have you ever seen a wedding house? I have a very big family and a bigger ancestral house but during weddings more than 10 people get ready in the same room at the same time. Everyone is focused only on themself. So all are ready at the same time. If anyone wants any help they have to ask and it can be multiple times with multiple people also. But when you are happy, you don’t mind that. How about asking help when you are sad and frustrated? It is not easy to repeat yourself. That is when listening becomes a key in any relationship. I sometimes come home with intense emotions and start talking whereas my husband would be in his own world and forgets to observe me. Initially, I used to stop sharing in the middle of my narration but later I realized it is not a healthy decision for my relationship. Then I started my conversation with: “I want to talk and I want you to listen”. At that instance he was prepared and knew what was needed. Sometimes he took time to prepare himself to listen and I had to wait. That waiting time is always the most irritating but after the wait time is over, it used to be the best time because I knew I had someone who listened. It is not always about fixing what is broken, it is just about sharing and letting someone know that something is broken.

We humans want to believe that all problems have a solution and hence every time when someone shares something we fear to listen because we are worried what if I don’t know how to solve their problem, what if my suggestion won’t help, what if I create a bigger problem etc. When we focus on fixing the problem, we try to avoid listening. Every individual lives his life in his terms and conditions and none of us can do that for him. We come in their life as a support system who can be a lifeguard when in need but can never become their life and live it for them. So, learn to listen because only then you will know when to inflate that lifeguard. If you always think listening will force you to inflate it, you will always be living the life of that shepherd who was screaming of wolf and when the wolf actually came, there was no one to save him and his sheep.

Communication is an Art.
Listening is a Skill.
If you want to paint a beautiful picture of your life, learn the art and develop the skill. Then every painting will have a meaning and every relationship will have its value.

My mother sits with me in the car and then she is lost in her thoughts. She is confident that I will take her to the place where she needs to go. We do the same with our relationship. We step in and then forget, thinking the other person in that relationship will drive it and take it to where it has to go. My mom may be right sometimes in what she is doing but someday I forget the route and ask her should I take right or left, and she goes blank, our journey halts there. Similarly in a relationship it is the responsibility of both the parties involved to know where to go. Else one will always be a pillion rider in his own life. Listen to each other even when you are not communicating because at times silence can speak much more than words can express. But what words can do, can be miraculous in any relationship.

Feel your emotions
Express your feelings
            Communicate your emotions
            Listen to that communication.

Every relationship knows to speak.
Every relationship knows to listen.
Choose wisely what you want.
            If you choose to speak, then spend time to listen.
       If you choose to listen, then give time to speak.