YOU are MY Responsibility

When did you learn the meaning of Responsibility? It might be difficult to recollect the timeframe but the real question here is did we learn it right? When I was in school, we always had a class on “Moral Science” which now has been transformed to “Life Skills” in my daughter’s age. In these classes the main focus was on making the young mind understand that they have to take responsibility of their act, own what they do, always take the step towards the right path etc. Every story in this class had a moral lesson, every discussion aimed towards teaching what is right. All this was intended towards individual’s development to build a social environment where people understood their responsibility. As we grew, we hear a completly different version of responsibility which always focuses on others and less on self. Kids are parent’s responsibility, wife is husband’s responsibility, house is wife’s responsibility, younger sibling is older sibling’s responsibility, old-aged parents are adult children’s responsibility. How do these two aspects differ and why is the meaning of responsibility on self and others so important to define your perception of your relationship? Have you given this a thought that there is a huge difference when you say: “I am responsible for” than saying “You are my responsibility”.

Responsibility is often associated with a task and is not an emotion. So, people start feeling the burden of being accountable for someone else. When a child is born, parents keep repeating this within them that “you are my responsibility”. We are never taught how to be responsible for self but expected to take others responsibility. When we focus on the former, our life changes its direction and helps us see how to become self-sufficient and make others confident enough to own their life. A child is a responsibility, there is no doubt about that but another fact not to be forgotten is, a child is an independent life who is here to live on its own. The faster we accept this fact the easier it becomes for us to teach them to own their responsibility.

At a very young age, I told my daughter that start planning for your college, think what you want to study and how will your interest help you earn the money which will make you financially independent. My mother was surprised, and her first response was she is still a kid, why are you telling this to her now? There is a lot of time to decide. Stop talking to a kid like an adult. At that time like any other kid, my daughter wanted to learn everything which fascinated her at a given instance. She wrote more than 10 options in a book which gradually increased and then started decreasing. Now she comes to me with a limited list which keeps varying every time she discusses about college based on her friends, favorite shows, video games and so many other factors. But there is always a thought running in her mind about her life for which she is responsible and not her parents alone. We often make the mistake of taking decision of our entire future based on the marks/grades we get in 10^th and 12^th . As soon as the kid is in 10^th grade, we ask: “so, what next”. This is one question which is very important but never touched till that time. Recently my niece completed her 10th grade and when asked what next, she told I still have 2 years until 12^th so I will tell you after that. Its natural to avoid answering this question because it’s a new topic which suddenly became priority not just for that kid but to the entire world. Suddenly a kid who was parents’ responsibility had something to say which become her responsibility alone. Are we preparing our kids for this? Or are we going to build a generation who will continue to blame their parents for taking responsibility of their life until one day where finally life just showed up on your front door as an unexpected visitor who will never leave your house? In Indian culture majority of the time this decision of what next after 10^th and 12^th is made by parents because “MY kid is MY responsibility”. When we focus on making the kids responsible for their life, their actions, and their decisions, we too can focus on our life. The more we say “You are my…” emotions associated with that person start replacing with tasks and activities. When I say “I am responsible for…” I start focusing on emotions which leads to completing the same task but then, emotions underline your actions and hence relationships are cherished.

One day, I asked my husband, if someone comes to fight with me what will you do? His response was: “I will stand in front of you and fight with them”. I asked why? He told, “you are my responsibility, and I will protect you”. My next question was: “don’t you think I can fight my own battles, why should you fight for me?” It took him by surprise because he never told that to undermine me but that was his love, care, and the way he was brought up. Then he told: “Ok! I will stand behind you to support you.” I told him, “No, you stand with me because if I need you, I know you are right there, and I don’t have to go looking for you.” That is the beauty of “I am responsible”. You are not a step forward or a step back, you are with them at every step.

When parents become old, kids start feeling that parents are their responsibility. We start taking every decision for them because we feel they are not capable enough to do that on their own. But while doing that, do we think what they want and what they need? This is exactly what parents did to their kids when they were little. There is a difference here between a kid not knowing and the same kid thinking parents don’t know anything. We might think changing the lifestyle of parents after retirement will help in increasing the number of years in their life but is it worth to spoil their happiness in-order to make them live longer? We always feel our parents have worked hard their entire life, let them relax and enjoy when they are old but forget what we define as relaxing may not be the same for them. Right now, I feel relaxed to just sit and do nothing, but my mom says I am so bored because I have nothing to do. No two person can enjoy the same thing and so every individual must make their decision about what is best for them. We can’t be responsible for how they feel. We can only be a medium to facilitate what they want to do responsibly.

We can guide them, not dictate them.
We can give them choices, not choose for them.
We can live with them, but we can’t live their life for them. That is their responsibility.

We are responsible for them, but they are not our responsibility. They continue to remain our parents. It’s a relationship not a task. Feel it with emotion and don’t consider it as a tick mark in your to-do list. How do we bring a balance in this? The thought: “You are my responsibility” makes us take decisions to keep them safe and become the provider which once upon a time was their role in our life. But when we start thinking: “I am responsible for my parents” we start to focus on their quality of life which will yield a better quantity.

You are my responsibility inculcates the feeling of possession, authority, and superiority.
I am responsible for you makes you humble, concerned, and connected.

Every individual has the right to be independent.
Every life has the independence to own its value.
Every relationship has the value to make its life independent, responsible and individualistic.

Uniqueness of a relationship lies in how responsible we are for each other. When you become a burden, I start to drift. When I become independent, you can always go along to enjoy the beauty shared together at their own pace and space. Our duty is to make the young life we bring into this world responsible for their being. Don’t focus on owing a person in your relationship. Always focus on living the relationship which will make you owner of your happiness. When I say, “I am responsible”, I choose that. When I say, “You are my responsibility” I am made to choose that.

            Being independent doesn’t mean being adamant.
            Being responsible doesn’t mean being authoritative.

Responsibility comes in may forms. Learn to focus on the one which brings joy and binds you to your relationship. Learn to identify what makes you the owner and drifts you away from your relationships. Live Responsibly. Always be responsible and don’t own responsibility of others life. Their life is their responsibility, and your life is yours.