Backseat Driving

Driving can be a passion, compulsion, necessity, or a luxury. Some of us learn to drive when it is needed, and some learn because of interest. Some enjoy, some fear, some of them drive on demand, some never learn to drive. At every instance of driving the control is completely with the person sitting at the driving seat. Then what is backseat driving? How can someone sit at the backseat and still drive? Let your imagination give you an answer and then read further to get new perspective with my perception which relates to a style of parenting.

I was taught to drive a four-wheeler at a very young age not because I liked or wanted to, but my father believed learning at a young age makes the person better at it. On the contrary he never allowed me to learn a bicycle or any other two-wheeler because my safety was his priority. Where my fall will hurt me was his fear. In a car, I am safe inside. Living life is just like driving your own vehicle. Early you learn to live your life, the better you get at it. Some of us love our life, some are living just because we are alive, some are leading their life because they think that is how it should be and some who don’t drive are always dependent on others for every single thing in their life. When you hold the steering wheel, you should know where, how and when to steer it. In the beginning, parents teach us how to live life. As a kid, my dad made me sit on his lap and told me the most important part of learning to drive is the steering balance. When kids are exposed to taking control of their life, they learn a lot without knowing what they gain out of it. As I grew older, he put me to a driving school to learn the basics of driving and once I learnt that, he was my next teacher. He told me the next important aspect is to park your vehicle. This is a lesson which teaches us a lot. In life, we should always know where to park, how to park and why should we park. Parking your vehicle is the halting stage in your life. We all are running a race in our life. Our day to day routine is so busy that even a small break makes us anxious and leads us to think why am I not doing anything, what if someone else beats me to the end, what if I am not better than the other, how to show a better picture of my life to the society. Even when life is going smoothly and in full speed, there should always be a place where you take a stop and park the vehicle to give yourself that deep breathing time to understand yourself and see if you are headed in the right direction. But always park right so when you take your car out of that parking spot you don’t damage the vehicle with any scratch or hit something which is seen or unseen. Start the car again at the time which is right for you.

When teaching me how to drive, he sat next to me and told me in every stage when to release break, when to put, when to change gears, when to raise the accelerator, what is coming in front of me, behind me, next to me etc. It was always a running commentary, and I never enjoyed the process because when I sat in that driving seat, I never felt that the car was in my control. Though I was driving, for every single instruction, I waited for my dad to say it loud. This was in the initial days. Over a period of time, I learnt how to drive. Slowly my mom and me used to take small rounds near the surroundings where I had full control of the car. I no longer had someone instructing me, I took my decisions, parked when needed and drove smoothly and carefully. My dad taught me and mom built the confidence I needed to use what he taught. Now they are confident so my dad sits at the backseat and enjoys the drive. He no longer instructs me what to do. I am in charge of what I do. This is the style of parenting we should follow.

Every child needs the lessons to lead the life, the capacity to take decisions, courage to own the responsibility and confidence to stand up to what is right. Once we have taught them to drive their life, we should only enjoy the ride and ensure our presence is always there for their support and safety but never to take charge of their life.

My aunt once told me when her son was learning to drive with his tutor sitting next to him, she sat at the backseat and was trying to hit the brake by kicking the back of the front seat when she saw danger. It is quite natural to be sacred and feel anxious when you have to let go off your kids to lead their life on their own. But have you ever thought how does the road look from the driver’s seats and the backseat? The view is completely different. A driver focuses on the road much more than anyone else in the car even when he knows he is in-charge or not. If we know our life’s decision has to be taken by us, we are more careful since the consequences are something we are responsible for. Sometimes people in the backseat tend to lose focus or might not see the danger as clearly as the driver or might even fall asleep and indulge in a conversation with fellow passenger, enjoy music and the view during the drive. If the driver is dependent on the instruction from the backseat, then it will never be a drive what he wanted and might have a corner of his heart filled with regret of not being able to lead the way, the way he wanted it.

As an adult, I feel my life is what I want but when the life is driven only by the backseat driver, sometimes you might lose the interest to drive. Kid’s safety and happiness is always the priority of parents. This priority makes them take the backseat driver position when they must let their kid sit in the driver seat. Parents should take that backseat at some point in a kid’s life but while doing so, they should not take the driving control along with them. They should be left at the driver’s seat.

Backseat is a very precious position because it allows you to enjoy the ride, be alert to see if there is any danger, warn your kids and also give the feeling to them that I am happy because I am with you and you are in control. A glance at the rare view mirror from the driver’s seat and the constant gaze at that mirror from the backseat is always the strong connection a parent and the child can cherish because that is the confidence which is communicated between each other only with a glimpse and a smile.

            The confidence of your teachings
            The pleasure of your upbringing
            The power of control
            The pleasure of confidence
            All are put together when you get off the driving seat and make your kid the driver of his own life.

Backseat gives us a lot of things but can never give the control of the steering wheel which can be balanced only by that one person who sits behind it.  So as a parent, teach your kids to take charge of their life, the joy of a stop in the journey, pleasure of enjoying the beauty on the drive, sense of safety when there is company to travel, and the vision of future. Once they learn and step into the phase of adulthood, give them the keys to drive their life. Take a backseat in their life because only one person can drive a car and if everyone sitting in the car try to drive and take control in all directions, then it is sure to lead to an accident. 

Be it passion, compulsion, necessity, or a luxury – life reaches its destination only when WE drive it.