Don’t Worry About Me

“I am worried” has become the most common emotion we all express these days with or without hesitation. People are more comfortable to say, “I am worried” and reluctant to say, “I am happy”. The reason being, worry comes ‘FREE!’ with everything, but happiness takes effort and has a price. We always get attracted towards anything which comes FREE! When we say, I am worried we share our emotions and connect with the other person. When we say, “Don’t worry about me” we show concern and detachment in the same sentence. Is our life moving towards that detachment where we are focusing more on the “Don’t” and less on the concern behind that “Don’t worry about me”?

When a small kid comes and asks her mamma, ‘Are you tired, do you want any help? As parents we feel it is a very sweet gesture, but we tend to say, ‘No, I am okay, don’t worry about me’. When the same kid demands for something beyond the parent’s budget to buy and again asks: is it something we can’t afford? Our love again makes us say: you don’t worry about that, we will manage. The concern which children try to develop is knowingly or unknowingly nipped at the bud by parents. We have lot of books quotes, TED talks which teaches us how to say NO! But have we thought it is important to say Yes when it is needed? We might be interchanging the usage of Yes and No at places which are making the future insensitive.

Detachment is a very strong emotional trait which many a times protects us from being hurt. But we must learn and teach our kids when, from whom and why to be detached. When we say, ‘Don’t worry about me’ to our kids, unknowingly we are pushing them away from us and one fine day we feel why are they not concerned about our pain, problem or even happiness. When I was traveling abroad for work for the first time, everyone in my family were concerned. It is love. Until I reached my destination and settled, they were worried about every little thing and kept asking me a lot of questions about everything. I share what is happening and it builds conversation, and they continue to remain as part of my life. The moment I say, ‘don’t worry about me’, there is a restriction we put on the relationship. We stop asking and the person involved stops sharing. This detachment is not what is needed in a relationship. One day when my husband was travelling, he told “don’t worry about me, I will manage”. Though that statement was told to release my stress, I asked when you can worry about me why shouldn’t I worry about you? We are equal partners, so the emotion we both have will be same under similar situations. He smiled and told, ‘Ok! I will call you and let you know once I settle.’

With couples it’s easy to understand but with kids and parents, the equation is totally different because of the responsibility we own. Parents feel kids are their responsibility and kids feel old-aged parents are their responsibility. Both are true. But do we own the responsibility of their emotions too? No! we don’t own them but at every stage of life we contribute to that. The more we tell kids don’t worry about me, they will start accepting it and build their life with no concern to their parents in that. When the same kids become adults, they are unaware of how to think about their aging parents. Something which they are told not to learn is now their main focus. How do we expect an adult to know what is meant to feel for their parents whom they only grew up not being concerned about? These adults only know how it feels to be parents and do everything for their own kids like their parents did for them but vice-versa was never shown to them.

We see increasing number of old age homes, elderly people staying alone with kids away in abroad settling their future. All this is a result of parents asking their kids to first focusing on studies, then on career, next on family and kids. Parents never taught them to look back and show concern to that backbone who gave them that life and security. When kids have come a long way focusing only looking forward, one fine day when they look back, they can only see their life in which they focused or rather on which their parents asked them to focus. Parents never told they are also equally important in every child’s life.

My daughter thanks me every day after I comb her hair, give her a glass of milk, or pack her tiffin. When I think about my childhood, I never thanked my mother for anything she did as part of our routine. No one told me I could and should thank parents too. We always believed parents are superheroes who will do everything for their children and kids don’t have to worry about them. A word of gratitude will always build the bridge of concern which will always connect the relationship. It is not necessary that we have to keep walking to and fro. But it is very important to know that there is always a strong path where we can walk when needed. This is the beauty of detachment in this relationship. Build that bridge and make it strong enough that any storm or flood won’t wash that away.

Developing the feeling of concern in kids towards their parents and elders is the prime responsibility of adults. It makes any individual humane who shares a sensitive moral responsibility towards the society we live in. When you are tired, share that with your kids no matter how old they are. Even a 2yr old can feel the emotion just like how a 20yr old feels if you know how to communicate. Give your kids the golden opportunity to worry about their parents which will teach them what concern is all about. Teach them love is not only about gifting what they want and fulfilling their demands. Love is to understand my parents are doing much more than they could ever imagine they were capable of and they too get hurt, feel tired, exhausted, frustrated, sad, and angry. So as their children we are responsible to make them feel better from time to time. Parents and kids relationship is always built on barter system. You can only get what you want when you can give what you have. The bridge that is built between parents and kids is similar to that hanging bridge which has wooden panels laid with gaps between each other. The rope is the values they give their kids and wooden panels are the phases of life and new relationships which comes in every individuals journey. Children keep taking step forward but parents always stay at the base of that bridge. Their trust in their kids and confidence in their values makes them stay where they are and watch their children grow. Always remember your future can be as strong as your past relationships, values and principles your parents gave you and how concerned are you about your roots.

Show concern to your kids so that they can learn to be concerned about you. Love gives us the license to be worried for our loved ones. Don’t take that away from your kids. Let them enjoy the feeling of being concerned about their parents because when someone tells us “don’t worry about me”, it is more of an expression of love than an instruction to be followed. Don’t deprive them of the joy you get from being concerned for someone you love.

Lucky are those who know there is someone who is worried for them.
Lucky are those who have someone for whom they can be worried about.

Build that two way bridge to be attached and let that relationship thrive through those confident detachment which is felt with emotion and built with values.