Agree to Disagree

I agree to what you say – this statement brings a lot of joy to the person listening to it. Whereas when that agreement changes to disagreement, the conversation changes to argument and discussion becomes debate. Can you walk out of a conversation peacefully when there is a disagreement? We generally end up putting a lot of effort in trying to convince the other person to accept our thoughts but accepting that disagreement becomes a challenge. When two individuals are unique why can’t their thoughts be different? What is that which makes us upset when someone we share our thoughts with disagrees to it? Why can’t we gracefully accept that we can agree to disagree?

When we go shopping, we see a variety of items there: some we like, some we don’t. Sometimes we even think who will buy such bold prints, or what sort of design have they kept in the shop etc. We choose what we like and walk out of the shop buying them or leave the shop and go to the next one if we don’t like anything. No hard feelings here because there is no emotional connect with anything and anyone. But when it comes to relationships this walking out is not so easy or simple. When it comes to our loved ones, we want them to listen to us, do as we say and accept what we do. The bottom line here is I am doing/saying it for your own good. I know what is best for you.

As kids grow older, they start developing their own sense of individuality. During adolescence this is at its peak and they feel only they know what is right and everyone else in their life especially their parents have no idea of what they are going through and can never understand them. Here there is no concept of agree to disagree. It is just disagreement on everything. The change of this mindset comes gradually but the foundation of it starts from childhood. The more we as parents forget to involve the kids in any decision we take for them, the more they start drifting away as they grow. The decision may be either in selecting a dress to wear for an outing or may be what food they like to have when we visit a restaurant. It is the discussion which matter at that age and not the decision. If we can help them understand why what is done to them, they will build the trust in parents and see them as their mentors and not as monitors.

Parents do everything for their kids from the time they are born. They don’t ask anything with the baby while providing and nurturing it and satisfying its needs because that is not how that phase of development functions. Eventually it becomes a habit where parents do what is best for their children. In this journey we forget that we nurture the kids to make choices and decisions, teach them what is right and wrong, try to build their personality. When this personality starts shaping, kids tend to make their choices. Sometimes these choices are against our thoughts and as parents we fail to understand them. So we tend to force them to accept what we want and curb their wishes saying I know what is best for you. But have we thought when we curb their decisions how will their personality shape? Accepting their decisions as parents may be difficult but if we can talk to conclude why we disagree and continue to agree to disagree there is open communication in that relationship. Though we disagree, there is a sense of acceptance for both, which will build confidence in young mind to share what they think. The moment we put ourselves in position of authority, we close all doors for our kids to reach us. Our life becomes like a mobile phone put in airplane mode. We still have it with us but there is no reception, and we lose that personal touch.

As kids grow in such environment, they fail to understand that a relationship flourishes when two people involved in it understand each other and though disagree on many things but they still have an agreement to be in that disagreement. A cordial relationship is not built where you agree on everything, but it gets stronger over the years where you respectfully agree to disagree and still stand by the person you love because your presence makes all the difference.

I did my MBA after I had my daughter. My father was not in agreement with my decision because I chose to enter a non-technical stream which was opposed to my engineering degree of his choice. My husband loves his technical field of work and doesn’t enjoy what I enjoy doing. So, he might have not understood my decision either, but he supported me in every step. I had my mother and husband by my side, but I was missing my father’s approval. When we grow in an environment where there is strong opposition for every decision of ours, we yearn for the acceptance much more than what we get. But when we develop the habit of gracefully agreeing to disagree something, that still acts as a positive catalyst because it shows acceptance.

The idea behind agree to disagree is acceptance. When we accept something, there is a positive reinforcement which boosts confidence. Expectation of agreement should always be mutual. I always ask my mother when you say something to daddy and expect him to accept it will you also do the same to him? We always expect that the other person must do as we say but fail to put ourselves in their shoes. My mentor had once told me if you have to put yourself in others’ shoes, first you have to remove yours and then step into that. It is very uncomfortable to even imagine that so how can we expect others to accept everything what we say?

As parents we can agree to disagree and show the kids that this can be the right way of support.
As spouse we can agree to disagree and show that love needs no agreement to blossom.
As friends we can agree to disagree and still stand by each other to ensure safety.
As siblings we can agree to disagree and still have each other’s back when in need.

Disagreement doesn’t show disrespect when presented with respect.
Agreement doesn’t depict sincerity when accepted with fear.
Respect lies in acceptance of the agreement to disagree.
     Love reigns in maturity of seeing this respectful disagreement.

When we agree to disagree with respect, that relationship starts to grow with love and acceptance. Learn to respect the disagreement because maturity lies in understanding and not in agreement always.