I Told You So.

One of the most strongest traits of every human being is their defence mechanism. This develops and grows with us just like how our body develops and grows over the years. A skill which needs no teacher, a quality which needs no special introduction. This is always with us as our faithful life partner. How do we nurture this life partner so that it does not become an evil partner of our life? We use the term defence to fight against our enemies, then why is this life partner called defence mechanism?

Our lives are formed by every situation we face, every action we take, every decision we make. This not only builds memories but also forms an integral part of our personality. Tendency of every individual irrespective of their age is to give suggestion to others not always because they know better but because they see things from a different perspective which we don’t see. Acceptance or rejection of that suggestion is totally our call. But during this process our mind activates our life- partner and we start to think what if I don’t accept and that turns out to be the best suggestion, then they will get an opportunity to say, “I told you so”. It is at this juncture we start giving reasons to protect ourselves, so we don’t have to listen to “I told you so”.

My daughter was very naughty and everyone in the family remembers her for being that hyper-active kid who never sat in a place. She climbed windows, jumped from stairs, ran around the whole house until she fell asleep. My only concern was for her to be safe. Every time she was upto a mischief, our only statement to her was “be safe”. Most of us over analyze safety of kids so we tend to say something negative in order to ensure their safety i.e., Don’t run you will fall, Don’t jump, Don’t climb etc. All these actions do result in damage. So, when the damage occurs, we get the opportunity to say the golden words “I told you, you will be hurt”. The moment you start by “I told you”, your next part of the statement where you show concern and ask them to be safe is actually lost in the way. I told you becomes a monster and anything and everything after that is just lost in the fear.

As my daughter grew up, she became quiet and learnt to work calmly. Even now she does have a slight tinge of her inborn mischievous nature. The moment we hear any loud noise from her room the first thing she says is “I am safe”. This helps us calm ourselves because any other damage can be taken care of if love of our life is safe. Let kids experience their life with joy and pain. Teach them to be safe first. Don’t burden them with your experience by saying I know this will happen if you do this. By doing this we are pushing ourselves away from them and developing their defence mechanism to grow stronger and bigger than the monster they ever witnessed when we told them: I told you so. As parents we must learn to respect their individuality which is the only way to teach them to respect us.

Fear is our biggest enemy and also our friend which nourished this life partner. I call fear as our friend because that protects us from doing anything wrong. It is our enemy because the nourishment it gives to our life partner makes us behave in a way which might hurt our loved ones. Building confidence in young mind is partially with parents and partially in the surroundings and situations they encounter. If we do our bit with love and care, they will know how to mould the other half to add value to their life.

People say, parents have to be their children’s friends. But I say kids need parents because they will make as many friends as they want but that comfort, security, love and care what a parent can give, can’t be replaced by friends. Here age does matter. When I think of my teenage, the movies I liked then seems meaningless to me now when I watch them today and the series I watch with my daughter are decided based on her age. I can’t giggle for what she feels like giggling. That natural emotion of a young mind is so matured in an aged body that I can never become her friend. I will always be her mother. But the more I say, I told you so because of my role in her life, I will no longer remain that loving, caring, affectionate mother to whom she can come back with anything with a confidence that my mother will never judge me.

As parents try to be that image which have their arms open for a hug and smile which shows acceptance with love and never become the symbol of justice where your kid always imagines you as a judge and their life with you as a court case.

I told you so is a judgement which triggers the defence mechanism within an individual and makes them fight for what they think is right. Trian your defence mechanism to only defend yourself and not to offend others. As a parent if we show trust and faith in every action of our kids, they will learn to share their innermost feelings with us not like a friend but like a parent in the true sense.

Think before you say: “I told you so” because that is the lock which shuts down all the emotional doors in any relationship. When we lock the door, we lose the bond and finding the key to open that takes a lot of effort which we generally fail to identify. Let’s make effort to keep the door open and build that bond which will support us in our every step like a true life partner who defends our life only when needed and allow love to accept our decisions with respect and dignity.

I can tell you many things based on my life experiences.
I can defend your suggestions based on my principles.
I can tell you I told you so, based on the risk of distancing my relationship with you.

Care invites concern.
Love invites possessiveness.
Respect inspires acceptance.
When Respect, Love and Care is put together we become nurturers to every individual and the relationship it brings along.

Choice is ours to make!

Respect your child not when they are adults but when they are as tiny as they can be. What grows in your arms is what you see in front of your eyes. Children are not our possession, but they are our love who needs equal space and respect what an adult demands. When that individuality is respected, even we as adults will learn to nurture our defence mechanism in the right direction and learn to avoid saying: “I told you so”.