Family-Lost Treasure

Every generation has a story to tell about their family. The memory of our childhood, the environment we grew up in, the love we shared, that contagious laughter all bring nostalgia. My generation is the luckiest because I had the chance to experience the joy of being part of many big family gatherings. We always had a landmark house where everyone gathered without any planning or second thought. Any function in our native had the same address to stay. Today each one has their own address to enable their space, privacy, and comfort. Is comfort overtaking love and leading us towards loneliness?

I have 34 cousins who are older than me and some of them even have kids who are elder than me. So, by the time I knew what relationships meant, I was an aunt to someone in the family. Our culture is so rich that each relation has a name which defines its meaning just by the way you call it. “Amma” means mother and “Doddamma” means someone who is as near and dear to you as your mother who is your mother’s elder sister(Dodda=Elder). The list of relatives is endless, and we address everyone with that. I would like to share a few though reading it might be difficult for some, i.e., doddappa, maama, maami, akka, anna, bhava, athige, dodda, ajja etc. These days I have observed people opting out the easy way. Everyone is just an aunt or uncle, and all cousins are addressed by their name. Age doesn’t define your relationship and in such instances people are ashamed to be addressed with what they actually are. I have seen in one occasion, someone saying don’t call me maami or chikkamma(which means aunt) because it sounds too old so call me akka (sister). I was taken aback by the way current generation thinks. How can someone addressing you define you being young or old? If you are my mom’s sister, no matter what I call you, you will always be what you are. So why does that matter negatively and why do they feel ashamed of what their relationship is to the other person? When I was a teenager and my niece and nephew learnt to speak, I insisted them to call me chikkamma or maami. That gave me a sense of being what I am to them. Now they are teenagers and some even older and getting married, but they feel the relationship which they call and don’t count that on age.

 Our functions have various rituals and each one to be performed by a specific relative. But present generation who calls everyone aunt and uncle don’t even know how is someone related to them. We are moving towards the age of technology where computers are trying to evolve into artificial intelligence but humans are moving backward when computers started with binary language (0 and 1). So we as humans are seeing people as only family and friends. Ask anyone in a wedding album about a known face and the answer you get is “must be someone in the family”.

Another question which keeps wandering in my mind is where does family end and friend circle start? In the recent past, I have seen a lot of weddings where we see friends overtaking the event and family is lost in the limelight and just remain as a guest who realizes that they have lost their identity. “Family is what we are and friends are who we are”. Both should go hand in hand and each one should have their boundaries within which they do play their role. I was brought up in an environment where it was very clearly defined to me what family means and how should I be with family and friends. There is no end for family and friend circle doesn’t begin when you end your family. You can be with your friends but not by undermining your family. Introduce your friends to your family and help them see the respect you give your family. Each individual comes from a different background and your friends will not know what your family is unless you tell them about that. So if you invite your friends into your family, ensure they are treated like friends and also let them know how to behave with your family. Family gives you the values because of which you learn to make friends and maintain that relationship so family knows very well to treat your friends with the same respect they taught you to build that relationship. But it is your responsibility to teach your friends how they should treat your family. They behave the way you behave with your family. Your family is new to them. If you show respect they too will show and if you don’t, it will be their least priority too. Present generation might find it difficult to understand that they have to draw lines between family and friends because parents encourage their kids to develop a very strong bonding with friends and keep their kids away from family. This might be because of the evolving time which has led us to feel that family is distant, and friends are close.

My father gave me permission to stay overnight at my friends house a month before my wedding for the first time in my life. Until then both my parents always told me staying at friend’s house or even going there for a visit is not an option which I should ever think of. Those days we never had mobile phones, whats app or any social media to connect. But still, whatever you want to talk, you are supposed to do that in school. There is nothing you can do after you reach home. If you want to say something you can do that only the next day when you meet them again. Before my wedding, both my parents had to travel out of station and so my father told you can go and stay with your friend. It was more like a wedding gift for me. We both were overjoyed not only because we could spend time together but because my father voluntarily gave me permission to stay. That was a joy which had so much value that even today we feel that surprise within us.

We call our every function as a family function where friends are our guests but over the years we are so busy in our own world that we only focus on seeing a smile on our kids face that we are ready to sacrifice anything to see them smile. We forget to inculcate the values and respect they should have towards every ritual we celebrate, which will make them what they are.

We like it or not, family always comes before friends. We as individuals are made what we are by our family, and we make friends by that outlook of ours which is a gift we receive from our family. So always learn to maintain your relationships within their boundaries. When one crosses the other then there comes chaos. We as parents should always teach kids the value of having a family. Kids will learn to value their friends only if they know what family means. Don’t keep kids away from family gatherings because they will be bored with elders, they have no company and nothing to do. Being bored is part of life. Knowingly or unknowingly, it teaches us a lot of things. When you are bored you start observing what others are doing (only if you don’t have mobile and network in hand). Ask your kids to help you, give them small responsible work, make them communicate with elders, all this will teach them to manage situations which shows up in life as a surprise and you as a parent forgot to formally prepare them to face it.

Don’t let family to be a lost treasure. Involve your kids in the family activities whether they like it or not so family becomes a treasure which they will learn to treasure and will never let them be lost.