Silent Noise

First thing we learn in life is communication. First thing we forget is also that we have learnt communication. When a mother looks at her new born she knows what does the baby want. Newborn’s  world is small, needs are limited and options are countable. Whether he knows to communicate or not, we as adults know to show available options but slowly baby learns to pick his choices. We teach them the noisier your cry, the more options you get to choose from. As the baby grows, we start inventing and discovering options to silence the noise.

When kids start to talk, they learn to ask, demand, command and get what they want. As parents if we can get what their want is, the circle ends with a happy ending and if we don’t, then there is resentment, anger, disappointment, frustration, hatred etc., but in most of the case there is no communication. We as adults think knowing what the other person feels is communication and kid thinks what he asked and how he reacted when he received or did not receive is communication. If you google the definition, may be what happened serves the meaning of communication, but we humans are much more complicated then google or any dictionary. What we just read is half communication. Just like we know half truth is more dangerous than a lie, half communication is worse than that. Share what you went through with his ask in a way he understands and listen to his response and understand what he understood. Explaining your inability to satisfy your child’s demand is not the noise behind the silence but withholding the actual truth of the situation will end up creating noise behind the silence for the future.

A toddler loves appreciation for its every effort. All mispronounced words gives it confidence to make a new attempt and finally learns to speak. As we grow, we lack that appreciation and acknowledgement, and every expression ends up in judgement. If I am vocal and expressive, I start talking but forget that just like someone listens to me while I speak, I should also learn to listen to the person whom I talk to. Communication is a cycle of sharing what we have and accepting what others have to share with us. When a baby cries with hunger, we offer everything what he can eat or drink but when we grow up we are told “eat what is cooked”. The difference in expression for these two instance are assumed to be understood. But when the same kid wins a competition, or celebrates his birthday the same parent asks “tell me what you want to eat”, “today I will cook all your favorite” or “lets order what you like”. Actions speak emotions but emotions don’t use language to express themselves.  We feel accepted, appreciated and acknowledged during happy moments and start developing a feeling of only sharing happiness with our dear ones. What happens when we are sad, upset, angry, irritated or frustrated? Not always such emotions find a way to come out. Noise within us is so loud that we become silent and shut it within our minds closed doors.

We always intend to give a perfect happy life to our kids. But happy is always not perfect, I once heard from one of my mentors that when we are alive, we always see the lifeline going up and down. It becomes a perfect straight line only when we die. So don’t plan for a happy life alone, plan to give the gift of handling ups and downs of life. That starts by you sharing your pain, anger, happiness, sorrow, and every emotion you feel with your kid, family and friends whom you trust. Just like how we choose different outfit for different occasion, there are different emotions which can be shared with different people in life.

Hiding your emotions is the first step you take towards the silent noise that rises within you. When your child asks for a birthday gift beyond your capacity, explain the reason for not able to buy something. There will be lot of questions which starts after you say no. This gives birth to conversation where you can explain your point of view and also understand the kid’s point of view. Do not assume kids don’t understand. When you assume this, you wont find any fruitful ending and slowly there will be less conversation between you both because the kid will also start assuming you will not understand. The concept of “you will not understand” doesn’t come with age, it comes because parents teach that to avoid unpleasant emotional communication. The more we think others don’t understand, the more we stop trying to understand ourselves. If I don’t have to share anything with anyone, then I don’t need to have anything. But in reality, we do have everything that can be shared and since we ignored, the noise inside and silence outside increased with decrease in silence inside and noise outside.

Somedays I love my parents and somedays I might say I hate you, sometimes I feel lucky to have a husband and kid that I have and when something goes wrong, I will feel why do I have such a life, when things go as planned, I feel blessed to be in an office like I have but when I don’t get what I think I deserve, I start thinking of changing my job. All these emotions are natural. At every such step you need an ear to listen to you. Maybe it is not just 1 ear, it can be different for different situations but always find that person who listens to you without judgement and who doesn’t conclude your story for you.

Noise for one can be music for other and silence for one can be noise for other. Respect the difference and do not judge that. An ear of concern always becomes a counsellor but an ear of curiosity becomes source for gossip. Be a concerned ear for your loved one and become a channel to give peace for the noisy mind rather than only silencing it.