Relate to Your Relationships

I once told my friend you will know how you will be as a husband only once you become one. His immediate response was, “No, I know how I will be”. I left him with his thoughts because it was his belief and my understanding about relationships were contradicting. Relationships are a two-way road. You will never know how the traffic will be when you enter that road. Based on what comes your way, you plan how you change gears or turn the steering wheel. What you know here is driving. But how will the other person drive and because of his driving when should you switch lanes or put a break, you cannot pre-decide. This rule follows in all relationships.

How many of us had this thought at least once? “I don’t want my child to struggle the way I did” or “I will give everything to my child which I did not get”. I will assume the answer to this as yes by 99% of the readers considering there will be exception always. Along with this thought is another thought every parent has i.e., “I want to be the best dad/mom to my child”. We give our 100% in upbringing the child and to our conscious we do become the best parent. When the kid becomes a parent, he will still have the same thought what you had as a parent. So does that mean you were not a good parent? Definitely Not. When I am a daughter, I know what my mother is to me. Even today when she stares at me(for fun 😊), that scares me. When I am a mother, I know what my daughter is to me. This is how relationships are. Only my daughter can say what I am as a mother and only my mother can say how am I as a daughter. Though both daughter and mother is the same person, that’s me but I am that person for two different people and their perception about me will be how they relate to their relationship with that person. I can only guess what I am for my mother and daughter but can never say exactly what they think I am for them.

The same logic works with spouse. A husband thinks providing all the materialistic comfort to his wife can make him the best husband but what a wife is expecting from her husband cannot be judged by anyone and vice versa. We decide what we want for ourselves and the duties of a husband and wife based on our values, environment in which we are brought up and the society in which we live. When two individuals get into the relationship of marriage, the expectation from each other and the relationship might be different from what we have known and seen for years. Unlike parent and child, husband-wife relationship will not get a cyclic life. It is a once in a lifetime bonding. Being open to each other’s expectation and not accepting what’s app forwards or you tube videos as reality of life gives us space to understand each other. We might think making tea early morning, cooking, ironing husband’s clothes and maintaining the house neat and clean etc. is what a wife’s duties are. Or rather this is how movies and daily soaps project an ideal wife to be. Similarly a husband also has some specific duties like bringing gifts, taking family on vacation or dinner, sitting and reading newspaper, watching cricket or news, demanding tea and snacks, bit of romance only in the initial year of marriage which ends up in scolding wife and kids. All thanks to our world of movies and television.

Every relationship you live has the foundation of your personality. The building you build on that foundation depends on lot of other factors like time, situation, people who come, go and stay in your life, your emotional, physical and/or financial status etc. Foundation can decide what can be built on it and how much it can withstand. Overall outcome of the building is not the result of foundation alone. Be open to communication in your relationships. When I decide I will be a good wife to my husband, I forget the definition of good is written by me and not by my husband, but I cannot be a wife to myself. So the definition of a good wife should come from my husband and vice versa. It might sound strange but in our house my husband takes more time to get ready than me. So the major complain lot of husbands might have about wives taking time to get ready and not being punctual is not at all a matter of concern for him. He prefers me to take more time so that he can get ready peacefully thinking “okay, she is still not ready”. Knowing what the other person in the relationship expects from you helps build a good understanding and also avoids misunderstanding.

Considering our original example of driving and traffic, knowing to drive is what I compare to knowing yourself. Life is like a car which you are driving. Traffic is unpredictable, so are people who come in your life. There will be signals where you have to halt, there will be cab drivers and other vehicles who will break traffic rules, some vehicles do follow you to a distance, some accompany you, there will be unexpected humps, potholes, turns, accidents and everything else which you can imagine while driving. Reaching home safely is your goal and you might think if I drive carefully, I am safe, but we all know sometimes even a parked vehicle can have an accident. Relationships are just the same, situations in life are unpredictable, when we go through rough phase we prefer to halt, we move in speed when we are happy, some people who come in our life overtake us and move forward, some bad company break rules and teach us lessons of life and so on. If I know myself then taking care of the relationships that are in my life and come into my life is like driving safely but that safety is not always as planned. Let your relationship define its own boundary and expectation and most important communicate that to the person involved.

Relating to a relationship starts with understanding and respecting the differences between the foundation of two individuals. Even a piece of glass can be stored in an iron container safely if qualities of both are known. Human relationships are similar to that. The moment we force iron to be stored in a glass container, neither will glass be safe nor will iron have a safe place.

Understanding, appreciation and respect can avoid misunderstanding, judgement and chaos leading to relating to each other’s relationship and building a bond which compliments each other’s differences and enhance the beauty of life.