Permission Granted

Ask daddy, ask mummy, ask husband, ask in-laws, ask your teacher, ask your boss and the list of asking never ends. But one thing to notice here is do we ask ourselves to do something for which we seek others permission. Are we taught to identify what needs permission and how to give permission?

May I come in Ma’am? This is the most common statement as a student we all have used. Teacher is a figure of authority in class and anything and everything in her class will need her permission. For kids parents are their authority figures and hence whenever there is something outside the routine, we seek permission. Most of the time permission granted or denied doesn’t depend on the question asked, but it depends on the state of mind of the person authorized to give that permission. There are possibilities sometimes we seek others permission when we feel we need approval for doing something which our heart doesn’t approve fully. Reassurance of a third person gives us the confidence which we lack when taking a decision. Sometimes it will be the right thing and sometimes it might be the wrong thing. How do we learn to decide when we need approval and how to seek approval? This is something which comes to us unknowingly but the judgement while granting permission has to be made consciously.

In most families, men are the ones who grant/deny permission because they are considered as head of the family. When we talk to most of the young boys, they have a feeling that their asks are always denied. They don’t get permission to do anything they like so sometimes they do break rules. When these boys grow and become head of their family how do they learn to grant permission? Do we teach individuals the skill of either asking or granting permission? While boys grow to have authority, girls grow to give that authority to the men in their life. We fail to educate our kids that none of them should become adults to rule over others or none should become a subordinate to others. Love is a shared feeling and not authoritative. When every individual has a unique perspective in life, we should encourage our kids to grow up to become support system of each other and not rule book for their loved ones.

Kids upto a certain age do need to seek permission because that is part of the process of growing up. They are not capable of taking the right decision for themselves and are ignorant of most of the right and wrong in the world. So as adults we make certain rules to protect and guide them. When they want to do something outside these set rules, they seek permission. Our responsibility is not just analysing the situation and deciding on the judgement of granting or denying the permission. We have to teach them how to make decisions. As kids grow old and become adults, they take up the role of granting/denying permission to their young ones. So how do they do that if they are not taught? Sometimes in adult life we not only give permission to young ones, but we also do that for our elders. While doing so are we sensible enough to understand their situation or do we do that to show authority because now we are no longer kids or are dependent on them. Certain aspects of life have a very thin line of differentiation. When concern shows power, care becomes a burden. So how do we teach kids the integrity of authority?

As a kid, my mother took care of every little thing starting from the water I drank to what clothes I wore. Everything came to me only through her approval. But then it was her way of taking care of me. It doesn’t seem like granting permission but as life changes and I became an adult, my mom started growing old. One thing I learnt from her is every decision she took for me has an explanation which she shared with me. So unknowingly she prepared me to take decisions and grant/deny permission sensibly. She always kept me as her priority in all her decisions. Even while denying permission to go anywhere, she explained her reasons which revolved around my safety. I learnt seeking permission is not a task of fear. It is a process of discussing pros and cons of a situation with varied viewpoints and coming to a consensus to have a peaceful relationship. Now when my mom is old, I am at a place where I do grant permission to her but that is not with authority but with concern. She asks me, “shall I buy that sari”, not because she can’t afford but because she thinks my viewpoint matters. I see her while having lunch in a function and tell don’t eat this dish, it will not suite your health. This was the same permission I sought from her as a child while wanting to buy a new dress which I liked or wanting to eat ice-cream when I had cold. She too told me don’t eat you will fall sick or no, that color doesn’t suit your complexion. When discussed, seeking permission doesn’t seem like an authoritative task but if you make it a one-way communication, then first thing which vanishes from that place is love.

Seeking permission should never give authority to the other person. It should always shower concern. The same concept flows through all relationships. If we teach kids that granting permission doesn’t make you powerful, then they will not consider themselves as owners of their relationship. I do discuss certain decisions with my husband not to seek his permission but to know his opinion. When you love someone, their opinion matters and
When you love someone you will always think about what matters to them.
Relationships are not hierarchical; they are pure love. Hierarchy comes only in profession and that is the reason we always lean towards family for support and our eyes always searches for that one understanding smile on the person we care to make us feel accepted.

Granting permission should always be an act of concern and never an authority. The more authority you show to a person, the more disconnected will the relationship be.
Seeking permission will not make you surrender to a relationship.
Granting permission will not make you own a relationship.

Love thrives when emotions are understood
Love curbs when emotions are understated
When you put yourself in a position of granting permission you put yourself out of love.
When you put yourself in a position of discussing opinions you put yourself into love.

Decision is ours, do we need authority to love or do we need love to be our authority.
Grant permission for love to enter your life and never leave so you will never need to grant any other permission. Love takes care of every other permission which needs no mention. When love lingers around, our every action speaks concern and every decision show care.

Permission Granted to live life filled with love…