It Is Not My Fault

Siblings start their relationship with each other by saying: “I did not do anything, he/she took my toy” or “he hit me first” etc. Parents come to the rescue of, I don’t know whom. But I have always heard parents say, “he is younger than you” and the next part of the statement actually is lost because even a 3- or 4-year-old is made to feel like an adult when the younger one complains. Age of older one is not into consideration ever since the younger one is born in the family and younger one is never let to grow old enough to own up to whatever he does.

Personality of every individual build from childhood. A secure environment where you are heard without being judgmental makes us own our every decision. I remember an incident from my childhood. Summer vacation was the time where all cousins had a fun time and today those memories are what keeps us together. Me and my cousin were playing in a swing which was tied at the porch. He was pushing me with varied speed, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Our aunt came and warned us that it might break, and we will be hurt. As kids any caution feels like unnecessary warning and we both ignored. Within no time, the chord tied to the swing broke, and I fell from it and hurt myself. More than the pain of the wound, the fear of being punished was overpowering the thoughts of our young mind. I told my mother that he was pushing, and he told his mother, she agreed for me to push faster. In this incident, we both are right but unknowingly we narrated the truth from a point of view where the fault is not mine. This incident might appear insignificant, and we chose to see it like a child trying to protect himself. All such incidents which we as adults term insignificant form building blocks of our personality.

Think about any incident in life, the first thought that comes to our mind is “if I say this will I be held responsible for anything that might go wrong?” All our decisions revolve around one aspect and that is, “I should not be blamed”. As we grow older, number of authority figures in our lives who take charge reduces from personal front, but it increases in our professional circle. This is where the impact of that insignificant incident of childhood plays its role. When I fell off the swing, I knew it is because I agreed for him to push me with that speed and also my cousin knew that his speed was out of safety zone. Retrospection of this thought at that age is a little too much to expect from kids. But as adults we should help the kids to own the truth they know from all perspective. It was our joint activity and responsibility lies with both of us. We learn to say it is not my fault at a very young age and as years pass unknowingly it becomes a habit. This habit doesn’t stay just there but it takes a step forward and starts looking for what is the other person’s fault. That is why we all have a very strong defense mechanism inbuilt within us. We grow to believe if I highlight someone else’s fault then I can hide mine. While doing this we forget the other person is also doing the same.

After more than 3 decades of married life, even today my parents have only one statement which they love to say to each other, “you have not changed at all”. I started calling them kindergarten kids. It is a very similar mindset. They look at what they don’t like in each other when something goes wrong. But when a third person highlights the same, they do have reasons to justify and protect the same person under the same instance. This is similar situation what happens with kids. Siblings fight with each other but when someone else comes to attack, they become one. We build boundaries within our subconscious mind which makes us do a lot of things for people we love. What kids learn at their growing age is the same behavior couples develop in their growing married life. I believe we are born as husband and wife when we are married so our age of married life is not equal to our individual age. Personality of individual is definitely formed when they marry each other but personality of spouses starts to build only after the relationship is born. So just like how kids fight, couples also argue and fight which we don’t look with the same insight like we do for kids. Hence the difference. Otherwise, a 2-year-old fighting for a toy and a 2-year-old married couple fighting over a disagreement is ideally the same.

Love has the power to stand up for each other. Why don’t we show the same love to stand up for what is right? As parents if we stop protecting our kids and start preparing them for life we will see a better personality in our child who will learn to own their action and take decision in the right direction. The adult with such a personality will have a better understanding of the any new relationship he/she is bound to start in their future and thus having a mature mindset to understand the emotions and feelings of the person who becomes their partner. We are well equipped to see what is wrong when a situation is presented to us, then why do we stop being a fare judge to ourselves?

What we learn as kids is what we display as adults. We learn to find fault in others in-order to protect ourselves. So, when someone highlights somethings which we don’t enjoy showing to the world and sharing with our world we end up saying: “It Is Not My Fault”.

Fault is natural, until it is unintentional.
Acceptance takes courage
Courage builds confidence
When a child is growing in an environment of acceptance, fault doesn’t hide, and confidence builds with courage. When all these are put together, the child who grew in that secure environment will become an adult who will take the right path and look inward first to understand himself before looking outside and searching for others fault. When that adult with such upbringing becomes a parent, he will nurture the next generation with maturity and teach them to look inward and learn and understand how I can become better by correcting my faults and help others to see the good in me and accept, “it is okay if it is my fault. I will correct myself before I go ahead to correct someone else’s”.

Spend time with yourself before you say: “It is not my fault”.